I write an awful lot about Felix, but that’s probably because Iris is still usurping all of my attention at home and I’m overcompensating. I recently accidentally told her she is my favorite person in the world and then I understood exactly why my wife has been saying for years, “You are my favorite Iris in the world.” I don’t want to keep a running list of all of her superior habits, but in the world of parenting, that’s probably at the top.

Okay, so my favorite Iris in the world is five years old. She is almost six. Her mimicry is spot-on and it is agonizing to hear myself on repeat all day, every day. You know the feeling. Basically, at this point you’ve really got to change yourself if you want to change your kid because they’ve been emulating you all along, but now you can really feel it and boy you really are annoying, right? You’ve been wondering for years if your uh “quirks” were cute and now you know they aren’t cute in 5YO form so they sure as hell aren’t cute on you.

Get up and clean up your stuff, any stuff, and set a 5 minute timer if you aren’t feeling all that committal or set a 15 minute timer if you just want to feel a little productive or if timers don’t work for you, you might be someone who just cleans and you just need a sidekick and lo, enter Kid.

Household chores is really all I’m going to talk about right now.

You don’t want your kid to be any older and not helping wherever they are capable of helping. Since Iris was born, she has been helping out wherever possible. Felix has been carrying his own diapers to the trashcan for the last two months. He reaches his hands out like the claw machine, clasps the diaper, and I lift him upward and carry him to the trashcan. At first, I had to shake him until he released the diaper. Now, he’s pretty into this whole thing. Point is, your kiddo is probably more capable than you might think of them sometimes, so whatever they have been doing pretty well at, just push them a little more.

Here are some examples of things around the house your kid can totally help with, AND these things occupy a lot of time and take up SO MUCH TIME, in fact, that your kid will probably forget about the task and start drawing or stacking cans in your kitchen and you will have to ask them to put more crap away and get back to being helpful after they are done playing and this is all GOOD. It’s very, very good to have your kid occupied, even if they suck at the task you are asking them to help with.

• Running around the house to grab all random dishes and cups and bring them to the kitchen. My only rule is to not set the dishes on the floor.

• Cleaning utensils on one side of the sink while you wash every other dish on the other side of the sink. You might use a dishwasher machine and your kid I bet can help with that. I am training the kid to take over as dishwasher.

• Sweeping. Sweeping anything, anywhere. They’re probably going to be awful at sweeping, so just put on music for them and let them sweep for an hour and take care of some e-mails while they are sweeping, or be super awesome and go make them a snack.

• Putting stuff in designated bins. Now we are talking neural growth and cleaning. Put the shoes in the shoe bin. Put the trash in the trash bin. Put the recyclables in the recycle bin.

• Wash babies in the sink. Whatever iteration of baby your kid has, transformers or plastic 25 cent toys, whatever. Encourage your kid to go clean their babies in the sink and to clean up their mess on the floor with a towel after. Your kid is gone nurturing for possibly two hours and then your bathroom is kind of mopped.

• Clothes-folding. Not your clothes. Don’t teach them they should fold your underwear. Ask them to fold their own clothes and then help put their own clothes away. It really doesn’t matter what their folding job looks like. They aren’t your clothes and they are going to go on the body of your kid who is going to, with 95% likelihood, pour something all over them within the first twenty minutes of them being on.

If you didn’t start asking your kid to hold their poopy diapers the moment they had the muscles to carry a poop diaper, it’s totally fine.

If you are starting to feel worn down by the natural state of weathering and child-induced mental erosion, just ask for help. Ask for help all day. Every time you start doing something, get help from your kid. After you get upset that you keep asking for help and your kid just doesn’t feel the impulse to help. . . still keep asking for help. It will probably never end, no matter what that one internet article said. Or maybe it will. Who knows, I’m only five years in. Any of you have magical 6-year-olds who take initiative and just clean your house for you?

. . .You had kids so they could clean your house, right?