Wisened-Mom's List of Shit to Buy for Your Kid When You've Never Had a Kid

I looked at elementary schools for my toddler and then I cried because toddler is toddler and then I asked toddler if she would like a baby in the house and she said, "no baby," and the fact that toddler could rationalize that means I must have another baby, and probably now because I want to get this part of my life where I am being mentally obliterated by babies and all the consequences of babies totally over, at least within the next ten years. Also, I used to want to have four kids because two kids is isolating for both kids, three kids is okay but then one is the third wheel (note: middle child) and four is like. . . I can make pasta by hand with all those extra hands, some of which will be sort of helpful. . . in ten years, when I'm done having kids and my brain is beginning to grow back.

Getting pregnant was fucking terrible, between miscarriages and missed periods and irregular hormonal probzies and the part where I was nuts and peeing on sticks and ordering cryogenically frozen sperm and the time we actually got pregnant? Remember that? I didn't even get a positive on my peestick, and I'd just found out my little sister accidentally got pregnant and I was becoming so baby deprived I was going to eat someone's whole human child and I said,

our sperms are all going to be dead by the time we mail them back, let's just use them and i'll cry about this later

and then we were pregnant. 

If I wasn't having my nipple twiddled by my breastfeeding nugget as I write this, I'd probably have some type of eye muscle spasm thinking about this. 

But that's not what this post is about! It's a new baby checklist! Eventually. In a minute. I'm turning on my old computer which had a little list of things I thought I'd need (having never had a baby), and then I'm going to share that list and reflect on what I actually needed. Also to come: pictures of adorable things I made for my kid before she was born. 

It's on, and now I'm stuck looking at really cute pictures. 

Here is the list! I really can't pour red all over this thing, so what I'm going to do is post my original list, reflect on each item, and then post a wizened, but still unqualified, new list. 

Baby List by the Human I Was Pre-Baby: 

• Lifefactory glass baby bottle & lids 

  • (2) 4-oz bottles with covers
    • NOTES: Our family members ended up only getting us plastic baby bottles, which was a bummer because glass was and still remains pretty important to me. I don't want to warm up plastic and give it to the most special little baby. My sister-in-law (I think) got us one glass bottle, which we used over and over and over again, and which Iris recently broke when she tripped down steps. We also bought (2) 8-oz bottles with covers, which we continue to use right now. They look like our water bottles! Great for the "mommy's waterbottle, iris' waterbottle" discussion. 
  • (2) 4-oz glass bottles 
    • NOTES: Didn't need backup bottles. 
  • (2) dome cap, ring, & stopper sets
    • NOTES: Didn't need an extra set because it turned out I was the main nipple for my kid. I mean, I WORK FROM HOME, and the days I spent on set? Milkies in the fridge+our one little glass bottle was more than enough. Never got disgusting because we cleaned the thing. 
  • (1) set of 4 caps
    • NOTES: Yes! Nobody bought us these, we bought these ourselves and are awesome. We trust our kid with lots of "dangerous" stuff (knives, scissors), and trusting our kid to drink out of a regularly-mouthed container is a win for everyone. 
  • (1) set of 2 sippy caps
    • NOTES: Yes! However, our kid couldn't really get that she had to suck on the sippy cap to get liquid out, we ended up taking out the "spill-proof" thing and went through a few adorable-yet-toxic leaking plastic cups along the way, all of which she loved to drip on things because she's a new human and that's okay. 
  • (1) set of stage 1 nipples
    • NOTES: Didn't get, didn't need.
  • (1) set of stage 2 nipples
    • NOTES: Didn't get, didn't need.
  • (1) set of stage 3 nipples
    • NOTES: Didn't get, didn't need.
• BABY HAMPER SO MY CLOTHES DON'T SMELL LIKE BABY PEE
  • NOTES: Got a canvas construction hamper for a few bucks at a hardware store, we love it and it's adorable when our tot puts her things in it. Also, we ended up buying a plastic bucket for peed-on items, including prefolds.
• WATERPROOF LAUNDRY BAG FOR DIAPERS
  • NOTES: Used only for putting the already-washed diapers into on the way over to the clothing line outside, since we ended up getting a plastic bucket for dirty prefolds and peepee clothing. When we moved and no longer had a laundry line, we bought a washer and dryer and haven't had to return to the laundromat since! Also, I just terminated that bag because it was in a drawer for almost two years.
• CHANGING PAD
  • NOTES: Made it myself, was cotton, then batting inside, then a waterproof underside. Win. 
• TWO WET BAGS, ONE SMALL, ONE LARGE
  • NOTES: Got one from baby shower, loved it, never needed another one. 
• TWO BABY WRAPS, ONE JERSEY, ONE WOVEN
  • NOTES: Kid hated the long jersey wrap, but look at the kid in the woven carrier I made: 

This thing is awesome for everything. Hear yourself saying, "It would be dumb to take a motherfucking stroller to ________"? Strap that baby to your back! 

• DIAPERS
  • 12-15 PREFOLD DIAPERS IN EACH SIZE
  • 5 WOOL SOAKERS
  • 1 WOOL LONGIES
  • 12 ALL-IN-ONE DIAPERS
    • NOTES: We ended up getting all our prefolds at the baby shower (thank you thank you!) we got two packs of each size from Osocozy, and our kid never got chubs or big enough to need the largest size before she started using her potty. We got a few all-in-ones and ditched them so quickly. So bulky, and for only one use! A tiny towel+a reusable cover worked so much better for us. Look at the cutie things I made for nugget: 

• DISPOSABLE DIAPERS
  • NOTES: We used our prefolds/covers for a really really really long time, minus the two weeks after Iris was born. We used disposables then because her booty was too tiny for all covers I had made. We started using disposables (7th gen or Honest, everything else gives little Iris rashes) when she was eating a ton of food in addition to breastmilk and her babyshit became the consistency of peanut butter and I was unwilling to scrape that off a prefold. We went back to prefolds between poops, and also when we started potty-training. Sometimes, we got super super lazy and didn't care at all and used disposables all the time, who cares. With our nugget using the toilet, she's been wearing underwear for a few months now, occasionally a disposable, and we use a disposable at night. 
• SINK BATH CUSHION
  • NOTES: We got an awesome bath cushion, which is right here, and which not only was amazing for sink bathtime, but also for sitting on when we transitioned our tot into the bathtub so she wouldn't slip, and EXTRA AMAZING for my extra sore butthole why doesn't anybody share with you what agony your crotch and ass will be in post-baby? I used it to sit in my own sitz baths for about two months. Love love love. 
• DRESSER/HANGERS
  • NOTES: Uh, yes to both of these things. 
• CAR SEAT
  • NOTES: Probably made a good call on getting one of these. 
  • OTHER NOTES: Really, we got a good one. I have nothing but praise for our dumb car seat, I love it so much. We got this one, we got got by that adorable newborn insert it comes with, it melted our stupid mom hearts and it takes less than 30 seconds to install once you know what the fuck you're doing. You know when you fly forward in your seat and the belt locks and then with every other move you make it gets tighter and tighter until you're squished and very angry? The belt that secures the carseat into the latch system retracts like that, meaning NO WOBBLY CARSET. It also adjusts incredibly easily (straps slide vertically), the cover all comes off easily to go in the wash, and we'll be able to keep using this until our kid is like, 15 and I finally let her out of her carseat because that is how convertible and amazing it is. Can someone give me money now for all my sweet words about this corporate product? 
• BOTTLE BRUSH
  • NOTES: Got a thing, used it. Woo. Also got this thing which has lots of funnily-shaped configurations to clean weird tubes and nooks on sippy containers. 
• SILICONE TEETHER
  • NOTES: Got one, kid chewed on washcloths. 
• LANSINOH MANUAL BREAST PUMP
  • NOTES: Was given one as a gift and it was awesome. I was really good at expressing milk with my hand, but this was helpful when I was on set and in my little trailer and had a few minutes to empty my boobums. I like to do things myself, which is why the manual one made the most sense for me. Also got a tiny insulated bag to keep it in. 
• NAIL SCISSORS
  • NOTES: Awesome to have, and I think our kid just lost them after learning how to cut paper with them.
• BRUSH/COMB
  • NOTES: A good idea if you think your kid will one day have hair. Our kid had a weird little mohawk and I currently use my own brush to brush her head.
• (10) BURP CLOTHS
  • NOTES: She stole about three of these from me from my business, 3-5 is a better number. 
• (2) HOODED BATH TOWELS
  • NOTES: Got her a Mike & Sully set and never looked back.
• (2) BABY COCOONS
  • NOTES: Swiped one baby cocoon from my business LOOK HOW CUTE. 

• (5) RECEVING BLANKETS
  • NOTES: Got three, all were Aden+Anais, one of them was bamboo. 
• (5) WASHCLOTHS
  • NOTES: Got a set of three and that was nice. Now, I'm making really really soft organic ones and want to steal some for myself. 
• BOOBIE PADS
  • NOTES: Made a few sets for myself, 5 would probably be a good number of sets. 
• ORGANIC BABY SOAP/SHAMPOO
  • NOTES: If you get organic shit to put on your own body, do it for your kid, too. Sometimes we use handmade soaps from the farmer's market, we've used handmade castile soap, right now we're into bubble bath and using the "For Every Kid" soap by Everyone. Soap soap soap.
• GROSS BOOGER THING
  • NOTES: Nosefrida was our savior the few times our kid was sick, my partner was always up for booger sucking. I could do it at the time, now the thought of it makes me sick. But the thought of a bulb full of snot you can't clean that only uses minimal suction to stuck out a booger that spans the length of your baby's body? Ugh. Nosefrida all the way.
• THERMOMETER
  • NOTES: Good to have when little one is little, we got one that is a touchless one, takes temp at temple. 
• HUMIDIFIER
  • NOTES: We used it mostly in the first six months, and I think our kid now thinks it's a robot. 
• WIPES (CLOTH?)
  • NOTES: For the first couple of months, we just used wet paper towels in warm water on the tiny booty at the suggestion of our midwife. Never decided to use cloth wipes, but I'm not going to say never to the future kid. Since our kid started using the toilet, I've been cleaning her booty with a spritz of witch hazel+water and toilet paper. Might take up that with a cloth wipe on a future kid booty.
• STROLLER
  • NOTES: I hate strollers, my partner doesn't, her family insisted we pick one out and life's been pretty good with one. We pretty much exclusively used our little wrap for the first many many many months, we use the wrap when we're in a big city, in any place that a stroller is annoying, but if it's really hot outside, or stroller friendly, or when we go on a run, we take it. Also is highly helpful for carrying shit up to a hotel room. 
• BABY BASSINET THING
  • NOTES: We knew we didn't want the kid to have her own crib, that's. . . a huge waste of space and we lived in a casita when we had her. But a portable bed/chair thing sounded nice. Her family pitched in to get most of our big items for us, and this is the one we picked out. We loved it, we used it probably for about six months and now it's back for her to tuck stuffed animals into. 
• BABY CAGE
  • NOTES: We thought we'd use this the most, and our kid really did love her cage, but we got one that has a zipper down the side so we'd never risk our kid prematurely becoming acrobatic. She called it her "house" and loved taking us in it to sit with her. Also, she sleeps in our bed so the cage was always kept unzipped and usually had a toy, a book, some pillows and blankets in it so she could have alone time. Recently, we folded her "house" up when everything we own became a place for her to set up camp, but we're holding onto it because it's awesome. This is the one we got. 

Our kid with her aunt in the little baby cage. Is it still a cage if it has an open exit? 

Alright! That was my pre-baby, unwizened-mom list! Here's my new list if I were starting all over again, with zero babies. Obviously, if I do have another kid there's a whole slew of crap I won't buy again since I already have it. 

Wisened-Mom List of Shit to Buy for Your Kid When You've Never Had a Kid

(OBVIOUSLY ADD OR ELIMINATE ITEMS IF THEY DON'T APPLY TO YOU. WE CO-SLEEP AND BREASTFEED.)

LIFEFACTORY GLASS BABY BOTTLES

• (1) 4-OZ bottle with silicone cover
• (1) 8-OZ bottle with silicone cover
• Set of flat caps
• Set of sippy caps

BOTTLE BRUSH

OXO SIPPY CUP CLEANING SET

SINK BATH CUSHION

STORAGE FOR CLOTHES (I.E. DRESSER/HANGERS, WHATEVER YOU PERSONALLY LIKE)

CAR SEAT

LANSINOH MANUAL BREAST PUMP

NAIL SCISSORS

BABY SOAP/SHAMPOO

NOSEFRIDA

THERMOMETER

HUMIDIFIER

WIPES

BABY CAGE

CHANGING PAD

A WET BAG

A BABY WRAP

PLASTIC BUCKET FOR DIAPERS AND PEEPEEPOOPS CLOTHING

PREFOLD DIAPERS, TWO PACKS OF SMALL, TWO PACKS OF MED, ONE OF LARGE

(5) DIAPER COVERS

(5) WOOL SOAKERS

STROLLER

BABY BASSINET THING

(3-5) BURP CLOTHS

(3) VERY NICE RECEIVING BLANKETS, FOREGO ALL MEDIOCRE ONES

(2) PACIFIER CLIPS, IF YOUR KID DOESN'T USE A PACIFIER USE IT TO CLIP TOYS TO THEM SO THEY CAN'T FLING THEM ON THE FLOOR REPEATEDLY MUAHAHA!

BATH TOWEL

BABY SLEEPING BAG

SET OF REALLY SOFT WASHCLOTHS

(5) SETS OF BOOBIE PADS

OH and clothing? Request no one get you NB size clothing because they'll grow out of it within one month. For that one, sweet month, treat your little one to (in NB size): 

SIX REALLY ADORABLE ONESIES THAT YOU LOVE

TWO TWO-PIECE SETS

TWO NIGHTY GOWNS

YAAAAAA I endured that long list, I'm going to end it with a really stinking cute picture of tiny clothes I made for my tiny one. Is there any magical thing you found is super useful that you didn't think you'd need or found out you didn't need once you were a wizened-but-still-unqualified parent?